One day you may find yourself caring for a sick family member. And while it’s natural to hope for the best and to become attached to a specific outcome, the truth is that your role is about being present in the moment and offering support without conditions. In helping out your elder, or your ill family member, or your dying loved one, you have been handed an opportunity to work with non-attachment and impermanence. What a relief that you have access to mindfulness and compassion!
If you come from a goal-oriented culture. You might jump into this challenge with both feet. If you are going to be a caretaker, then you will be the best, the most loving, the most caring. You will work miracles. Depending on the situation, having an objective for the day might be helpful. Or it can lead both of you to feel frustrated. If someone is terminally ill, you are providing comfort. If someone is on the way to recovery, you are providing help on the path to improvement—in this case, you want to strike a balance between striving for improvement and providing unconditional love and support.
This is neither the time nor the place to assess yourself in terms of success or failure.
As a caregiver, it’s natural to want to see progress in your loved one’s condition, but this desire should not become the sole focus of your caregiving journey. Realize that every circumstance is different, and that progress may take time or may look different from what you originally envisioned. And progress for someone who is dying, is very different than progress for someone who is recovering. Your one true goal is to remember that your loved one’s well-being is the ultimate priority. What you definitely can do is be human and do the best that you can do in the circumstances presented to you. And trust me, when you are caring for someone who is ailing, that is significant.
If, at the end of the day, the one you care for has an improvement, do not count this as your success. If, at the end of the day, the one you care for is worse, do not count this as your failure. You do not force outcomes. Try to accept the situation as it is. Right now, it is like this. You are there, and you are providing care, and you are doing the best you can. You are providing emotional support as well as you can, and performing the tasks that are appropriate. You don’t need to give yourself a performance appraisal. Just provide care for the sake of providing care. For the love of your person, for compassion’s sake.
The time spent together and the bond you build with your loved one is invaluable. A simple gesture or a shared moment of laughter can become a treasured memory that serves as a reminder of the love and dedication you are providing in your caregiving journey. Your efforts enhance your loved one’s quality of life in countless small ways, so view each task as an opportunity to express your love and support. By approaching your role with gratitude and mindfulness, you can maintain a sense of purpose and fulfillment in your caregiving journey.
Each day, and even each moment of each day, everything is changing. Impermanence is at play. To think that you will be able to control the conditions that you and your loved will face during your caretaking is ridiculous. There are no certainties. When faced with death or serious illness, it’s natural to worry about what the future may hold and to search for answers or reassurances.
You might find yourself wondering, “What will happen tomorrow, or this afternoon, or in the next moment?” Your role does call for some proactive measures—for example, keeping important prescriptions filled and available. However, you cannot predict or control the future.
Let mindfulness be your guide. Focus on taking things one day at a time. This allows you to stay present in the moment and to navigate each new challenge as it arises.
It’s human nature to try to prepare for the worst-case scenario, and your imagination can get the best of you. You may start worrying about all sorts of problem and complications. It is wise to be prepared and well-informed, just do not become caught up in hypothetical situations.
Instead of worrying about what might happen, focus on the situation at hand. Address the needs and concerns of your loved one and yourself as they arise, rather than getting lost in a sea of “what-ifs.” By staying present and focused on the reality of the situation, you’ll be better equipped to provide the care and support your loved one needs.
In truth, there is so much that you do not know. And if you can welcome a sense of comfort with the unknown, you can save yourself so much suffering. Be with what is happening now. You do not need to envision future pain and problems and sit with those right now. You do not know what will come, how it will come, or when it will come. Practice your non-attachment to outcomes, your mindfulness, and your compassion toward yourself and others, and you will build the resilience you need for whatever comes next.
See more
Margaret Meloni: Death Dhamma
The Death Dhamma Podcast (Margaret Meloni)
Seth Zuihō Segall, Ph.D.
Related features from BDG
How Shedding Our Sense of Self Can Help Us Heal from Grief
My Admirable Friend: Reiki Healer and Compassionate Advocate
Where There Is Grief, Let There Be Compassion
In Death, There Is Privilege
Related videos from BDG
The Death Dhamma Podcast Season 1
The Death Dhamma Podcast Season 2
The Death Dhamma Podcast Season 3
