My parents had a family friend who was terminally ill. As his time of death drew closer, his wife suspected that he was having a hard time letting go. He had many siblings. And some of them were able to be by his side during the dying process. But some were not. His wife came to the realization that maybe what he needed was to say goodbye. She called each of the missing siblings and put the phone up to his ear. Miraculously she was able to get everyone on the phone on the first try. And just a few minutes after he finished the last phone call, her husband took his last breath and died peacefully.
Many people fear leaving behind unfinished business, unfulfilled dreams, or unresolved conflicts with loved ones when they die. They may also worry about the impact that their death will have on their loved ones, such as leaving them with financial burdens or emotional distress.
Fortunate are those who have loved ones who can help alleviate their fears. We see such an example in AN 6.16, the sutta about Nakula’s parents:
At that time, Nakula’s father, the householder, was diseased, in pain, severely ill. Then Nakula’s mother said to him: “Don’t be worried as you die, householder. Death is painful for one who is worried. The Blessed One has criticized being worried at the time of death.
Now it may be that you are thinking, ‘Nakula’s mother will not be able to support the children or maintain the household after I’m gone,’ but you shouldn’t see things in that way. I am skilled at spinning cotton, at carding matted wool. I can support the children and maintain the household after you are gone. So don’t be worried as you die, householder. Death is painful for one who is worried. The Blessed One has criticized being worried at the time of death.
Now it may be that you are thinking, ‘Nakula’s mother will take another husband after I’m gone,’ but you shouldn’t see things in that way. You know as well as I how my fidelity has been constant for the past sixteen years. So don’t be worried as you die, householder. Death is painful for one who is worried. The Blessed One has criticized death when one is worried.
Now it may be that you are thinking, ‘Nakula’s mother will have no desire to go see the Blessed One, to go see the community of monks, after I’m gone,’ but you shouldn’t see things in that way. I will have an even greater desire to go see the Blessed One, to go see the community of monks, after you are gone. So don’t be worried as you die, householder. Death is painful for one who is worried. The Blessed One has criticized being worried at the time of death.
The sutta goes on to discuss fears that Nakula’s mother will not live according to the precepts, or that she will not attain inner tranquility of awareness, or that she does not gain a firm foothold in the Dhamma. And with each fear, Nakula’s mother assures her dying husband that his fears will not come true. In this story, her husband recovers. And after his recovery, he visits the Buddha, who tells him that it is too his great gain that he has Nakula’s mother to guide him.
I remember that as my father was dying, he was worried about my mother. A discussion we had always was that when either of them died, the survivor would come live with me and my husband. If not actually in our house with us, then in the area. The idea being that my husband and I were still working, and it would be difficult for us to travel two states away to take care of the survivor. But when the time came, my mother was not going to do this. She did not want to come live with us or near us, she wanted to stay in the house that she and my father had lived in, she wanted to maintain her independence. When my father told me about her decision, he was concerned about her well-being and her financial position. At that point, we had been making monthly trips to their area to be with them through dad’s final days. I assured him that if mom wanted to stay, we were fully prepared to support her—whatever that meant. And I meant it, and he knew that I meant it, and he was relieved. As he moved closer to breathing his final breath, we continued to assure him that mom would be well taken care of.
My mother did not go through a terminal illness, but a day before she died of a heart attack, she expressed concerns about my well-being—she knew that my husband was terminally ill and she worried about what my future would look like. And I did not give her false hope, but I did let her know that I was as well-positioned as possible for his pending death.
When someone you love is dying, you can provide a peaceful environment by being with them and supporting their journey. Like Nakula’s mother, you can give assurances and help to alleviate their fears by allowing them the freedom to let go and proceed with the transition.
For yourself, travel lightly! Good advice for vacations and other adventures, and definitely a way to live. Be aware of what you are carrying around with you and your willingness to let go. Live well, meaning follow the Noble Eightfold Path. When you don’t live well, or if you have unresolved issues, do what you need to do to find peace. In that way, when it is your time, you will have less clinging and less aversion.
See more
Margaret Meloni: Death Dhamma
The Death Dhamma Podcast (Margaret Meloni)
Nakula Sutta: Nakula’s Parents (Access to Insight)
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The Death Dhamma Podcast Season 2
The Death Dhamma Podcast Season 3
