Wait a minute, something feels off. You know that something is missing, but it’s not immediately obvious. And then it hits you: this is exactly where you would have asked your father for advice. But you can’t. At least not in any traditional way. And the reason that you cannot just call your father on the phone is that he is dead.
This is not new information to you. Logically, you know he is dead. You have accepted this.
You have learned to live without the daily messages of encouragement and the occasional silly joke that makes you groan. You understand that you will not see your father on his birthday or your birthday. You have gotten to a point where, when you wake up in the morning, you don’t have to remind yourself that he is dead. Once in a while, you feel his loss differently. It is not the same as the sharp pangs of sadness you felt at an earlier point in your grief journey. Now, you are recognizing a different type of loss. In this case, you have lost a trusted mentor.
As you traverse your grief journey, you begin to notice different types of losses that come with the death of your loved one. The first and most obvious is that this person is gone, no longer alive, he/she/they will not walk into the room or see you at dinner. You will experience other forms of loss. Here, in no particular order, is what you might experience.
The memories, routines, and shared moments that once defined your life together are gone. The meals you enjoyed, the conversations you had, the inside jokes that only the two of you understood, they are now just bittersweet memories. Until you re-establish your routine and create shared moments with others, you will feel a sense of incompleteness. When you spend time with others, you may still feel the absence of your loved one. Don’t rush to fill that space; be cautious and treat yourself tenderly. Empty space (not the same thing as emptiness) is better than toxic space. Be discerning in the company you keep.
You had a sense of self that included another person. Their death means the loss of a part of your identity. You were a partner, or a friend, or a child. Now, who are you? You have lost a part of yourself. The roles and responsibilities that defined you in the context of that relationship are suddenly upended. You may find yourself questioning who you are without them, feeling adrift in a sea of uncertainty. This loss of identity can be disorienting, requiring you to redefine yourself in a world that no longer includes your loved one. Take your time and seek to embrace not knowing. Do not be too quick to create a new you. Work on accepting the fact that there are aspects of who you are that will be re-established. There are roles that you might need to let go. You did have a father, and you were his child. Your father’s death does not negate that fact, but it does mean that you no longer have an active parent-child relationship.
Along with a change in your identity can come a change in the stability of your life. This might be a financial issue or an emotional issue. Especially if the person who died is the person you most relied on to help you through difficult times. Or who supported you financially. I recall that when my mother died, I would have relied on my husband for emotional support, and when my husband died, I would have relied on my mother for emotional support. They died within five days of one another, leaving me to depend on others. The good news is that friends stepped in to help me. Be open to the loving and well-intentioned support of others. The type of assistance that does not come with expectations of reciprocity.
When your life changes, your life changes. That may seem like an obvious statement. You have so much change when someone close to you dies. Your social network, your connections, and your support networks are going to be different. This might be immediately true, as someone you expect to be there is unable to show up because death is something he, she, or they are not prepared to handle. Next will be a person(s) who supports you for a while and then steps back, and, eventually, others may leave as they grapple with who you are becoming. Some people will have strong ideas about what your new life is meant to be, and you might make different choices. Make the choices that support you and know that you might lose people. There might be a time when some of your old friends are no longer with you. As you create your new life, you will form new friendships.
This grief journey is not easy. You find yourself grappling with feelings of emptiness, insecurity, and a sense of being adrift. As you recognize new forms of loss and change, you will need to find new ways to live, new ways to feel safe and supported. You do not have to walk alone. Rely on your practice, find others on the path, a strong teacher, and professional help if you feel overwhelmed.
See more
Margaret Meloni: Death Dhamma
The Death Dhamma Podcast (Margaret Meloni)
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The Death Dhamma Podcast Season 1
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