The Korean Seon (Zen) master Venerable Pomnyun Sunim (법륜스님) wears many hats: Buddhist monk, teacher, author, environmentalist, and social activist, to name a few.* As a widely respected Dharma teacher and a tireless socially engaged activist in his native South Korea, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim has founded numerous Dharma-based organizations, initiatives, and projects that are active across the world. Among them, Jungto Society, a volunteer-based community founded on the Buddhist teachings and expressing equality, simple living, and sustainability, is dedicated to addressing modern social issues that lead to suffering, including environmental degradation, poverty, and conflict.
This column, shared by Jungto Society, presents a series of highlights from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s writings, teachings, public talks, and regular live-streamed Dharma Q+A sessions, which are accessible across the globe. The following teaching was given in Toronto on 2 May 2024. This article is the fourth in a special series taken from Ven. Pomnyun Sunim’s 2024 Dharma tour of Asia-Pacific, Europe, and North America. Titled “Casual Conversation with Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Come Talk about Life, Wisdom, and Happiness,” the Dharma tour runs from 29 April–21 September 2024, with Dharma talks scheduled in five countries—Australia, Canada, Germany, Japan, and the United States.**
Concerns about the environment
Ahead of the Dharma Q&A in Toronto, Ven. Pomnyun Sunim took time out to meet with members of Jungto Society’s Overseas Division and International Division residing in the vicinity of Toronto. Although Sunim had conducted a Dharma Q&A in Toronto in 2023, he had been unable to spend time in the city. On this occasion, at the earnest request of the members, a meeting was arranged with Jungto Society members, many of whom had graduated from Jungto’s Dharma School and Sutra Course and had become members of Jungto Society.
“Now, if you have any questions, please go ahead,” Ven. Pomnyun Sunim told the assembled Jungto members, who freely asked a wide variety of questions.
Q: I want to live a simple life and I don’t have much saved up. However, as the environment continues to be polluted, I may soon need to buy drinking water and even air purifiers. It seems like a lack of money might eventually make survival difficult. In that case, should I just accept death or should I save money in advance?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Dying is great for the environment! (Laughter) Having one fewer person means reduced CO2 emissions. However, it’s not good to think in such extremes. In countries such as Canada, South Korea, and the United States, people don’t die from not having money.
For example, if drinking tap water becomes unviable and people need to start buying water, you will at least be able to do so in Canada. If filtering tap water becomes the norm, either the government will provide filters, or individuals will be able to afford them. Everyone, no matter how poor, uses smartphones in today’s society. So in your case it seems that your worries stem from being overly sensitive. There’s no need to worry too much.
For someone born to a poor household in India, when the air suddenly becomes bad or they can’t afford to buy water, their survival could indeed be threatened. However, our current civilization has the capacity to provide emergency treatment if the air suddenly becomes bad enough to cause mass deaths. Of course, a perfect response isn’t possible. When the COVID-19 pandemic occurred, vaccines were developed as an emergency response, but side effects have continued to emerge. During the trial period for anything new, side effects are inevitable. If you take a new medication, it might treat one symptom but cause a problem in another part of the body. As time passes, other problems may arise, which is why new medications should only be taken in moderation to treat illnesses. Unless we respond by enhancing our body’s immune system, side effects will always occur. Nonetheless, modern science does possess the power to provide emergency treatments. So, generally speaking, while it is necessary to proceed with caution, you don’t need to think in such extremes as you do now. If you want to make money, just do it; there’s no need to use the environmental crisis as an excuse. (Laughter).
Q: These days, I’m wondering if I should buy an air purifier.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Is Canada already at the point where air purifiers are necessary?
Q: It seems necessary to prepare for the future.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: The reason it’s hard to say when the environmental crisis will affect us is because it’s impossible to discuss the timing once it crosses a threshold. The crisis could arrive suddenly rather than progress gradually. Instead of the air suddenly becoming unbreathable or the water undrinkable, it’s more likely that large natural disasters will occur first. Temperatures could rise above 50 degrees Celsius, massive wildfires could break out, or an enormous amount of rain could sweep away buildings. These types of natural disasters will come first. Then air and water pollution may become a secondary effect. The jet stream currently circling the Arctic holds the cold air in place, but as it becomes increasingly unstable due to climate change, the cold air could be pushed south, creating a severe cold front. And if the cold air is pushed north, temperatures might suddenly rise above 20 degrees Celsius in January.
The idea behind the environmental movement isn’t about stopping consumption entirely and living like a beggar. It’s refraining from constantly buying prettier and more expensive clothes when you already have enough. If you become addicted to consumption, you must first constantly scramble to feed your cravings. Second, you must always compete with others. And third, you exacerbate climate change. Developed countries should stop consuming at this level and switch to a life of appropriate leisure. However, in many developing countries, where people are still starving, a little more consumption is necessary. When I visited the poorest 20 per cent of people in Bhutan, their living conditions still need much improvement.
Recently, I selected the house of a poor family in Bhutan and remodeled it, which only cost about US$370. After remodeling the house, I asked the owner if there was anything more he needed, and he replied, “I’m happy. I don’t need anything more.” Of course, he might need more things over time, but for now he’s very satisfied. So isn’t it more rewarding to improve a family’s life with US$370 rather than spending it on better clothes? That’s why I am carrying out various projects in Bhutan.
Although the environmental crisis is a significant issue, taking too extreme of a perspective, like the questioner, can create a sense of urgency that leads to anxiety. Being completely indifferent isn’t right, but reacting too sensitively isn’t advisable either. If an environmental crisis arrives and you truly can’t afford an air purifier or water purifier, I’ll buy you one! (Laughter).
Dharma Q&A
After 90 minutes of conversation, the meeting concluded and Sunim departed for the Dharma Q&A at the Library Theater inside the Fairview Mall complex. With 330 people filling the seats, a video introducing Ven. Pomnyun Sunim was shown, after which he walked onto the stage.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: A Dharma Q&A is similar to talking with a friend. You don’t need any prior preparations. If you have a concern, you can ask about it; if you have a question, you can inquire about it; and if there is something you want to discuss, you can talk about it. Unlike a school class where content is prepared in advance, a Dharma Q&A involves asking about the problems in your life spontaneously. Therefore, it is better not to discuss intellectual topics, although it is not prohibited. Nowadays, you can find almost anything on the internet—information on Buddhist terms such as the Three Jewels is readily available online, so there’s no need to discuss them here. However, you can’t find answers to questions such as “I’m worried because my husband drinks too much alcohol” on the internet. This is the kind of conversation we want to have here.
My son acts like a tyrant
Sunim began taking questions. Eleven people had pre-registered questions and more were collected onsite, allowing 14 people to converse with Sunim during the two-hour gathering.
Q: I have a 10-year-old son who thinks that he alone is the honored one in heaven and on Earth. He acts like a king and doesn’t use formal language even toward adults. There have been times when teachers have pulled me aside in tears.
Let me give you an example from yesterday. My son plays hockey. Before heading to practice, he gathered his hockey stick and water bottle and I drove him to the skating rink. However, when we got out of the car, we realized he had left his hockey stick behind, so I asked: “Where’s your stick?” And he told me to go home and bring it while he went inside to get ready. I was a bit angry, but I went back to get his stick. When I returned, he hadn’t even tied his shoelaces and was waiting for me to do it for him. Then he complained, “Why is this yogurt so sticky?” I became really angry.
You teach us that a mother should be involved in raising her child until they are 20, but I’m worried whether I’m raising my son correctly. My husband has suggested sending him to a boarding school to foster his independence, but that feels like abandoning him to a nursing home, which makes me feel guilty. What would be the right choice for my son?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Who gave birth to this child?
Q: I did.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Who raised him?
Q: I did.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Then, whom does he resemble?
Q: He resembles me.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: If your son has bad manners, it’s due to his upbringing. Your description of the events already contains elements that made it inevitable for him to turn out this way. When he realized that he had forgotten to bring something to play hockey, he acted very boldly instead of crying and wondering what to do. When he says, “Mom, I’m going to go in. Can you fetch me what I need?” You could say, “I’m busy today, so just go to practice without it.” Or you could say, “Alright, I’ll bring it. Go inside.” What’s so hard about that? If you return to find him waiting for you to tie his shoelaces, you can simply say, “I have to leave. You can tie your own shoelaces.” Or, you could just say, “Okay, I’ll do it.” There’s no problem here.
What you’re doing now not only fosters bad habits in your child but also suppresses his feelings. You scold him for not having his shoelaces tied but end up tying them for him anyway. You scold him for not bringing his stick but still fetch it for him. Scolding leads to repression, and giving in to his demands encourages bad behavior. Your actions are currently only having a negative impact on your child. The problem originates from you, not elsewhere.
I have never said that a child should be raised by the mother until they are 20, but you’re making it sound like I did because you want to raise your child like a pet. I’ve never heard of such a thing. I have said that it’s best for the mother to raise the child until they are three. This means that it’s not necessary for a mother to always be there starting from age four. Parents should care for their children as guardians until they turn 20, but after that the children should be completely independent. This is what I always emphasize.
When children reach adolescence, the most loving thing a parent can do is to observe them calmly without interfering too much. When they are young, enveloping them in warmth is love; during adolescence, watching over them is love; and once they are adults over 20, truly loving parents should sever emotional dependencies. I have never said that a mother should hover and care for her child until they are 20. You are creating non-existent statements to rationalize your actions.
You are currently responding inappropriately to your son. It’s not right to continually say that your child is bad. How can such a young child be bad? If a small child does not use polite language, it suggests that the parents do not use polite language at home. If you want your child to change, you must first change your own behavior.
Whether your husband demands things such as “Tie my shoes,” or, “Dress me,” or you make similar demands on your husband for minor things, the issue has arisen because your child has grown up in an environment where one parent makes unilateral demands. A child cannot perform actions they have neither seen nor heard, just as a computer cannot output data that hasn’t been put in. Instead of trying to fix your son, you need to self-reflect and correct your own actions.
If you think your son should tie his own shoelaces, instead of saying, “I don’t want to tie your laces anymore, do it yourself,” you could say, “Mom is busy today. I would like you to tie your own shoelaces,” and leave it at that, even if your son begins to cry, throw a tantrum, or even threaten to kill himself.
Whether he goes to boarding school or not shouldn’t be a major concern. If a meal is prepared and he doesn’t eat, it’s not right to get angry and clear the table saying, “If you won’t eat, I’ll clear the table.” Instead, you should gently say, “Mom has to work, so I’ll clear the table. You can eat later when you’re ready.” If your child later asks for a meal to be prepared, you should say, “Mom is busy, so you should prepare it yourself.”
If he cries, leave him be. You shouldn’t say, “Why are you crying? You didn’t eat when I told you to!” and prepare another meal for him. This would repress your son’s feelings and worsen his habits. Instead, respond gently: “Are you hungry? Can you prepare your own meal? Mom is busy right now.” Even when he refuses to eat, it’s inappropriate to withhold meals as punishment. Rather, you should say, “Mom is too sick today to make food,” and you should skip your meal with your son. No matter what he says, you should maintain: “You can find something to eat. Mom can’t make a meal for you because mom is sick.”
Some mothers might hit their children when they misbehave, but a wise mother will ask the child to bring a stick and tell them to hit her on the calves instead, saying, “Because I have not set a good example for you, you have misbehaved. It’s my fault, so you should hit my calves.” When a child hears this, they will be moved and begin to change their behavior. If a mother takes the stick and hits the child’s calves, saying, “You little rascal, who taught you that?” the child may stop misbehaving for a short while, but they will resume their bad behavior when the mother is not looking.
You should recognize that this is all your own doing. Either let your son be as he is, or, if you want to change him, your own lifestyle and attitude must change. Don’t just tell him to use formal language. Instead, you should use formal language in all your interactions. Even if he speaks rudely to you, you must respond with formal language. Over time, your son will start using formal language as well.
Q: Should I really use formal language with my child?
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: It’s similar to how you should speak in English if you want your child to learn to speak English. It wouldn’t be right for you to only speak Korean and then demand that he speak in English. If you want him to use formal language, then you should use formal language as well. Formal language is not particularly difficult; it’s just a manner of speech. By using formal language yourself, your son will learn to do the same. There’s no need to command him to use formal language; you just need to use it yourself. If both parents use formal language at home, then your son won’t know any other way to speak. Children learn from their environment, so if spouses speak to each other in informal language at home, the child will follow suit.
Sending your son to a boarding school is also an option for the time being. But don’t think about it too hard. You can send him and if it works out, let him stay; if not, bring him back and try something else. Although I doubt that you will be strong enough to send him to boarding school in the first place. Once you hear him say, “It’s too hard,” you’ll just bring him back immediately. You’re treating your child not as a person but as a pet. With the way you’re acting now, your son will never improve. There’s nothing inherently wrong with your child. He demands, “Mom, bring it to me,” because you always do.
Q: I really wanted to send him to boarding school, but because I misunderstood your teachings I have not sent him yet. I’ll send him right away.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: You shouldn’t just send him away like you’re discarding him because he won’t listen. It’s not appropriate to hand over your child’s problems to someone else to fix. Just try sending him to boarding school, and if he continues to speak informally when he returns then just let him be.
I visited a Korean family’s home in Chicago. The mother was running a store, so she didn’t have time to look after her children and had to bring her mother from Korea to help. The grandmother would say, “Kids, eat your food,” but when the kids wouldn’t eat and played instead, she kept saying, “Aren’t you going to eat? Eat your damn food!” When I visited their home, the kids even said to me, “Sunim, eat your damn food.” (Laughter)
Where do you think the children learned that language? They learn it because someone at home uses it. A child doesn’t understand whether a phrase is good or bad; they simply mimic it. In this case, they learned it from their grandmother. Your child speaks that way because you do. Therefore, it’s time for some self-reflection.
It’s not a good attitude to constantly label a child as “bad” whenever an issue arises while they are growing up. You need to do some research and ask yourself, “Why is my child acting this way?” Therefore, it’s necessary to change your own attitude and lifestyle to positively influence your child.
If there’s still no change, there are two possible reasons: first, if your child is mentally healthy, it could be due to bad habits. Second, your child might have mental issues and be unable to control his emotions. However, most parents are reluctant to accept that their child might have mental issues. Therefore, the first step should be a comprehensive evaluation from a psychiatrist specializing in child psychology.
Sending him to boarding school is not the solution. If needed, treatment must come first. If your child doesn’t have any mental issues and merely has bad habits, it’s necessary to take measures that are conducive to changing their habits. Those responsible for raising children should always consider what benefits the children from the children’s perspective. Bringing your son home because you miss him, and sending him away because he’s bothersome is not parenting.
Parents exist for the sake of their children, not the other way around. If it’s better for your son that his parents take care of him, then no matter how hard it is, you and your husband should do so. If it’s beneficial for your son to be educated at a boarding school, then even if you miss him dearly you must endure the pain for the sake of your child. This is what being a parent is all about.
However, most of you prioritize your own feelings. I’ve seen a woman who cried and said she felt that she was dying because she couldn’t see her child for five days after a divorce. In that case, she is wanting the child to exist for the sake of the parent. Parents may think it’s their right to satisfy their desire to see their child, and legally it might be the mother’s right, but that is not truly in the best interest of the child. If being away from you is beneficial for your son, no matter how desperately you want to see him, you must endure it for his sake.
Q: Thank you.
How be at ease while raising healthy children
At the end of the conversations with questioners, Sunim offered some closing remarks.
Ven. Pomnyun Sunim: Parents raise their children with the best of intentions, but they end up spoiling their children. Children should not be treated like pets but raised as human beings. Up to the age of three, while a child’s sense of self is forming, they should be cared for very attentively. After the self has formed, from age four onwards, they should be shown good examples, and by the age of eight, they should be given the opportunity to do chores such as dishwashing and cleaning their room together with their parents. In this way, children naturally learn by following the actions of their parents.
I have been involved in various types of work in impoverished countries, so people say, “Venerable Pomnyun Sunim knows everything.” This is all thanks to receiving a good early education. Being born into poverty and experiencing everything firsthand has made me knowledgeable in many areas. However, most of you deny your children these opportunities for early education. By forbidding them from doing anything but study and constantly nagging them to “just study,” by the time they are 20, they end up being incapable individuals who can’t cook, wash dishes, clean their room, do laundry, or do anything at all. When such individuals marry, how can you expect them to have a happy marriage? This is the result of parental folly.
It’s time to come to your senses. It shouldn’t be hard even if you raise five children. Providing excessive care is what makes raising children difficult. The first three years might be tough, but it gets easier as they grow. Have the older child do the dishes and the younger one cook rice. The more children you have, the more helpers you have, which is easier for the mother. In this way, the mother doesn’t get worn out and the children grow up healthy. Overprotecting children will result in a serious crisis for human civilization. It’s not only the climate crisis that’s a threat; an incorrect way of life will lead to major social crises in the future.
Once you have raised your children until they are 20, you have done your part. Don’t worry about them anymore. Whether they live or die, become monks or nuns, stay single or marry, their life is theirs to live. This also allows you to live your own life. Women shouldn’t fuss too much over their sons, who will someday be someone else’s partners or husbands. It’s more important to pay attention to their own men. If you neglect your man and keep looking after your son, you will suffer when another woman takes your son away. Stop making such foolish mistakes.
Men also need to take note. Women generally live about 10 years longer than men. If your wife passes away and you are left alone, unless you are extremely wealthy, your life will be pitiful. No one in this world will care for you like your wife does. No matter how filial your children are, they will not look after you like a spouse. Thus, recognize the value of your wife and take good care of her. Planning to leave your assets to your children is an invitation to misery in later life. Understand this principle and live your life wisely.
* Buddhist Monk Ven. Pomnyun Sunim Awarded the 37th Niwano Peace Prize (BDG)
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