In a popular social media post, a father sends his daughter a series of text messages on how to get through a difficult break up. In the midst of saying all the right things to support her, he tells her to be the bull. But what does that even mean? He tells his daughter that when a storm comes, cows will try to run and hide. And in doing so, the cows experience so much more suffering from the storm. He goes on to tell her that bulls face the storm. Bulls head right into it, and, yes, it is difficult and they are battered by the storm. But because the bulls face the storm, their suffering is initially intense, but lasts for a shorter period of time. With this analogy, dad is telling his daughter, that, yes, she hurts and that this is not easy, but the best thing she can do is to own her difficult emotions—to head into that storm. Dad knows that she will then come through the other side, healed, and stronger.
The good news is that while you may start off as a cow, you will have many opportunities to practice being a bull. You will face the end of relationships, maybe the inability to conceive children, possibly the loss of a job, the gradual decline of senses such as hearing, the diminishing of physical abilities, and even looming uncertainty over your mortality. We will all face impermanence and loss throughout our lifetimes. You will too. Sometimes you need someone to help you acknowledge the storms you face. In the above story, the dad was open about recognizing his daughter’s grief. He did not turn away with a perfunctory, “Cheer up, your life will get better.” In his way he normalized her experience, and he guided her toward acceptance.
Acceptance helps with the suffering. There is a storm, and now is the time to head into that storm. It will not be easy. But there is something different waiting for you on the other side. Some days, you will head right into that storm. Some days you will resist and then walk into the storm. Other days will find you mooing like a cow. Be patient with yourself; your ability to accept impermanence fluctuates. And although some people can go right from, “Oh, the freeway’s blocked,” to, “I’ll just get off at this exit and take surface streets.” For others, changing the drive home, or rearranging plans for the week can be a bit of a struggle. It’s OK to experience a gap between the appearance of impermanence and your decision to head into the storm. Especially if that storm is a category 5 hurricane. It takes a special kind of bravery and trust to run, or walk, into something that looks bigger and wilder than you are.
One of the best stories that was shared with me about the gap, concerned a woman who had received a diagnosis of alopecia. She learned that she was going to lose all of her hair. When the doctor relayed this information to her, she took it rather well, in fact too well. Her doctor encouraged her to realize that this was a big deal for most people, and that she would be wise to give herself some time to think about it before jumping right into acceptance. I suspect that what he knew was that, in that moment, her perceived acceptance was really a form of shock. And her doctor was encouraging her to sit with it. In terms of heading into the storm, I have come to think of this gap as your way to gather your strength. You are bracing yourself for your journey.
What does it take to be a bull? It takes bravery and faith. Knowing that you are purposefully turning toward your pain and trusting that this is the right decision. It takes acceptance that you will minimize but not completely eliminate your suffering from the storm. It takes willingness to try again. Self-compassion for when you are afraid to run into the storm, and gratitude for the arrival of every storm, and then additional gratitude for the survival of each storm. And it helps to have someone to remind you that you can be the bull. In turn, there may be times when you help others around you by normalizing their painful emotions, guiding them to acceptance, and watching them head into the storm(s) that they face.
Do bulls really run into storms? It turns out that perhaps dad had the right answer but possibly the wrong animal. There is certainly plenty of information about bison running into storms. But this is not about bull versus bison, this is about what it takes to live with impermanence and to be with the difficult emotions that come our way. And for that, dad was right on track.
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Margaret Meloni: Death Dhamma
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Thank you Margaret, beautiful.