Your friend is dying. Is metta appropriate?

Perhaps you sign your correspondence by saying, “With metta.”

Or as you leave your meditation group, you say, “May you be well, may you be happy, may you be at ease, and free from suffering.”

One day, you realize, “I just wished that my terminally ill friend would be well. Was that the right thing for me to say?” Or you wonder, “Am I a hypocrite when I wish my dying friend freedom from suffering, knowing that death can come with emotional and physical suffering? Am I in denial?”

True metta is the ability to want others to experience safety, happiness, comfort, and good health, without expecting anything in return. Often without them even knowing that you are sending these wishes. Yet your friend is dying. Is your metta inappropriate? Or a waste of time?

In The Sublime Attitudes | A Chanting Guide, metta is expressed in this way:

 The chant ends with:

Nobody will forever be well unless you reconsider what it means to be well.

You need to let go of the idea that being well and free from suffering means never experiencing pain, illness, or death. That is unrealistic. The Mahāparinibbāna Sutta shows us that even the Buddha was subject to pain and impermanence:

After the death of the Buddha, the Brahmā Sahampati says:

Sākka, the ruler of the devas, says:

What does it mean to send well-wishes to your dying friend? It means to wish freedom from suffering. Of course, you do not want him or her to have extensive physical pain or mental anguish. On a deeper level, you wish that your friend experience liberation. That is the real goal of the teachings. That is what it means to be free from suffering.

Suffering comes from clinging or attachment. The cessation of suffering is achieved through the termination of attachment. The way to release yourself from attachment is by following the Noble Eightfold Path. You are encouraging your friend on the path. Your wish is that he or she can become free from craving.

Yes, send metta.

In Metta Bhavana: Loving-Kindness Meditation, Venerable Dhammarakkhita teaches a type of flexibility in sending metta. He shares a story of how, once using the internet, he realized that millions of other people were probably using the internet at the same time. And this prompted him to wish “May everyone using the internet now be happy and peaceful.” (72, 52)

If you need to change your phrasing to feel comfortable, then do it. What is important is your intention. To accept illness and death, not to hope against it. What does it mean for you to wish goodwill to someone who is dying? It means to be able to wish him or her a peaceful death and the ability to face death skilfully, with non-attachment and right view. Your metta is the wish that he or she will experience true liberation. You are most likely to be the biggest beneficiary of your caring wishes.

When the Buddha directs his monks:

This direction is for their benefit. It helps the monks overcome a fear of the spirits that are harassing them in the forest. And once the monks generate thoughts of goodwill toward the spirits, their relationship becomes a friendship.

To extend metta to others is to open your heart to others, and to overcome your selfishness. Your ability to wish goodwill to others brings you closer to conquering ill will. Maintaining a mind free of hatred is so essential that in the “Simile of the Saw,” the Buddha encourages his monks to develop a mind that resists hate, even toward those who would cut them apart with a two-handled saw.

When you can sincerely wish that all others be well, you have shown that you can conquer hatred. When you consistently wish metta to all, you leave behind resentment and animosity. Now, you have a mind that is open and ready to advance toward the end of suffering.

This is an opportunity for you to direct your goodwill to your reactions toward death. 

Open your heart to death and overcome the fear of losing your friend, of losing others, and of your own eventual demise. Metta practice might lead you to overcome your aversion to death, resulting in your cessation of attachment.

The foundation of a healthy metta practice begins with yourself. And your friend is dying. And with his or her death comes grief, And grief is suffering. May YOU be well, may YOU be free from suffering.

References

Ṭhānissaro Bhikkhu. 1994. A Chanting Guide. Valley Center, CA: The Dhammayut Order in the USA.

Ven. Dhammarakkhita. 2001. Metta Bhavana: Loving-Kindness Meditation. Nakhon Pathom, Thailand: Dhammodaya Meditation Centre.